The school nurse on Gunja scandal of 19 something
by Dramione27
Summary: Title is self explanatory. A humor fic written for Sarahyyy as a challenge. High rating because of language a one slight lemon. Oneshot, there will be no sequel.


Sarahyyy got a challenge. She's supposed to write a _**Fred/Hermy**_ oneshot which consists of:

-Harry singing "I Need A Hero"  
-Draco saying "I grew them myself."  
-Ron dancing the can-can with Snape.  
-Diva!Fred  
-George eating dragon meat.  
-Ginny and Neville under the influence of a polyjuice potion

She couldn't think of anything so I wrote it for her.

Here it is.

P.S. It's mostly dialogue and I've been told it gets a bit tedious, if you persevere your sides will be splitting by the end, I assure you.

* * *

The school nurse on Gunja scandal of 19…something.

Harry walked into the Gryffindor Common Room late one Sunday Afternoon from a tiring three hours of Quidditch practice with his broom slung over one shoulder and a gym bag in the other. "What the hell?" were the first words he said? The music stopped suddenly and the fifteen couples engaged in a long make-out session drew to a halt. "What is going on here," he asked looking around the room. Rr more specifically at the couple on the couch...namely himself and Ron Weasley.  
"Umm, Harry. You're early,"  
"We finished early and I decided not to take a shower there...Ron's been acting strangely."

- Meanwhile in the communal Gryffindor shower room-

_Can can can you do the can can? can you do the can can?_...Ron kicked his leg out in an almost 'fruity' way. "No, no, no, Mr Wealsey. If you want to dance the can can you have to do it right!" He approached the younger boy, "there are eight beats in this pattern, 1-knee-3-kick-5-knee-7-kick." Ron nodded his head,  
"Okay, I think I have it now," Snape switched the music on and Ron tried once more.  
"No, no ,no, do you want to be a failure...fifty million points from Gryffindor." The glass hourglasses in the entrance hall stirred suddenly, Gryffindor certainly didn't have fifty million points to lose so to compensate two Gryffindor first-years were sucked into a vortex, this is the same vortex Blaise Zabini disappeared into shortly after the sorting in his first year only to return during the rein of the Inquisitorial Squad when the points were earned back.

-Back to Harry and Ron making out on the couch-

"Anyway, What the hell is going on?"  
"Well we're having a polyjuice party."  
"A What?"  
"You mix a cauldron of Polyjuice potion and then you scout the common room for human hair, you add the first human one you find to the potion and take it. You fool around with whoever you like and no one is allowed to disclose who they really are."  
"Yea, don't go there girlfriend," a familiar red-headed boy clicked his fingers three times,  
"Shut up Fred...person!" Harry was stunned, not at the idea, he was only jealous he hadn't thought of it first, but he was stunned at the cleverness of the idea, there was only one person who could come up with an idea this smart and that was...Hermione Granger. Just then people started groaning and struggling, it had been an hour, they were changing back. Suddenly the redhead had transformed into another red head and the raven youth into another raven youth. Where Harry and Ron had been sitting before now sat Ginny and Neville and where the possibly gay, dragged up Fred had been now stood a very embarrassed looking Blaise Zabini.  
"Well that idea has been shafted hasn't it?" Ginny wiped her face, stood up and stormed away angrily.  
"Great Harry, who's going to purchase Polyjuice potion now?" Hermione sauntered towards him, "Well besides Pansy,"  
"Pansy?"  
"She seduces people." Harry nodded, Hermione sat opposite him and flattened her skirt, "so what's in the gym bag Harry?"  
"Err, it's...It's just nothing."

-Earlier in 'Quidditch Training'-

He opened the bag and pulled out his furry pink leg-warmers, his silver man-leotard and his flouro orange sweat bands. He switched on the music and started dancing. "I need a hero!" he screamed in the climactic chorus, "I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night!" he screamed once more pumping his legs and dancing like a maniac, and funny I should mention maniacs because that was the next song. "I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor, and I'm dancing like I've never danced before." He danced and jumped and pelvic-thrusted until his could no longer then he collapsed into a heap.

-Back in the present-

Hermione went to grab the bag, "Hermione! It's nothing!" he stomped off to his room in a huff. Hermione turned around to take in the damages to her clientele, Blaise ran off with a squeal of girlish embarrassment.

-The next week-

Harry walked into the common room utterly exhausted after another exhausting 'Quidditch training' to find the common room in a stir. "Eat it, Eat it, Eat it," the crowd chanted, George stood poised over a plate with some rather tender looking raw meat on it. George flinched as he brought the 'food' to his mouth. Just as the blood touched his lips however some crashing could be heard from the ceiling above,  
"Mr George Weasley, you are under arrest under the mistreatment of Magical Creatures act," yet another red head stated as he dismounted his broom that had just crashed through the roof, "And might I add, you tool! I work with Dragons and you were about to eat part of one." he shook his head "Idiot!" and dragged him away.  
"What is happening in here?"  
"We're playing a muggle game,"  
"What game?"  
"Truth or Dare...he chose Dare." Harry looked horrified at the hole in the ceiling George had disappeared through most likely on his way to Azkaban for the illegal consumption of a protected species.

"Where've you been Harry?" Hermione asked from the shadows in the corner of the room, she swung the swivel chair around to reveal her sinister self petting Crookshanks then…she did the finger pyramid!  
"Umm, I was, Gryffindor had, well I was practising for, broom, flying…quidditch practice" Harry blushed ferociously and turned to stomp up the stairs petulantly, Fred (the real, non-dragged, non polyjuice-d Blaise one) leaned towards her,  
"We haven't had quidditch practice for weeks." Hermione nodded knowingly  
"We should find out what he's up to and what is in that bag of his,"  
"I agree," Fred agreed and Hermione put her pinky finger to her lips in a very evil (Dr) Evil pose laughing manically.

-That night-

Fred commando-crawled across the common room to the fifth year boys dormitory occasionally throwing in a roll for effect. He talked into his watchie-talkie, "Mockingbird, mockingbird do you read me? Over."  
"Yes Fred, I'm here," there was a long pause,  
"You have to say over," you could practically hear Hermione roll her eyes,  
"Fred is an idiot, over."  
"Mockingbird, Weasley 4 is making the approach, over."  
"Okay, just get the bag and get back here," another long pause, Hermione made a noise of exasperation, "Over."  
"Affermative, silence on all channels, over." Fred made his way silently up the stairs until,  
"I can't believe I introduced you to muggle movies,"  
"Fall back," Fred screamed into the watchie-talkie, "Retreat!" he screamed, "Our covert operation has been compromised, over."  
"DO NOT RETREAT!" She screamed, "I repeat, do not retreat," another pause, "over."  
"Order confirmed, do not retreat? Over."  
"Affirmative, silence on all channels!" pause, "Over." Fred crept up the stairs and into the boys dorm as girls began poking their heads out of their own dorms yawning, rubbing their eyes and looking for the source of the ruckus to strangle. He stealthily made his way to Harry's bed and crawled under it feeling for the mysterious and ever elusive gym bag. He wrapped his hands around something and pulled it towards him, it was a bong, "Might keep this," he tucked it under his shirt. The boy in the bed turned and Fred stopped still. He stopped moving and Fred continued his search, three dirty magazines and yet more drug paraphernalia later his hands found the gym bag. He clutched it to his chest and wriggled out from his hiding place beneath the bed. Once he got to the safety of the common room he pulled the balaclava from his carrot-topped head and threw the bag to the closest chair along with the three dirty magazines and various drug paraphernalia, he whipped around however when he heard a familiar voice from the top of the stairs. "What were you doing in our dorms Fred?"  
"Umm, two words Ron,"  
"What?"  
"Can Can!" Ron looked horrified for a moment,  
"Well I'll leave you to your business then?" Fred nodded sinisterly as Ron turned to go back to bed. He brought his wrist back to his mouth again,  
"Mockingbird, do you read me? Over."  
"Whatever Fred, did you get the bag?"  
"Yes, where do you want me to meet you?"  
"Room of Requirements."

-Later on in the room of requirements-

Hermione knocked on the door and it opened to reveal Fred in a (what he supposed to be) seductive pose on a bed with rose petals and Marvin Gaye's 'Let's get it on' playing in the background. A plate of oysters sat on the table next to a jewellery box and the whole room was decorated in a sickly shade of green. "So where's the bag Fred?"  
"Take a seat," he patted the space on the bed next to him, "I won't bite…unless you ask me to," he winked at her.  
"Actually I'd just like the bag please,"  
"Patience, patience, that stuff can wait." He leaned in to kiss her, their lips met in passion and he'd soon deepened the kiss. Once they were lying down and suitably distracted the real Hermione went in and grabbed the bag from beside the bed leaving Fred and the Polyjuice-d Pansy on the bed. Well isn't he in for a surprise? She thought to herself unable to stop a self-satisfactory grin from spreading from her mouth and to her eyes.

-Meanwhile-

Apparently in Fred's haste to prepare an appropriately romantic room he left the dirty magazines and drug paraphernalia on the couch in the common room and an unwitting Colin Creevey stumbled upon them. He took the dirty magazines and vowed from that day forth to only take exclusively dirty photographs. Denis (following his older brother like the lost puppy he was) stumbled onto the drug paraphernalia. He smelled it all curiously then put it all in his bag before leaving to meet some other third years.

-In the courtyard-

"Hey guys, I found all this stuff," he opened his bag to show them.  
"Mr Creevey," Snape towered over the small scrawny milk-man's son.  
"Mmm," he squeaked, it was evident the boy was going to wet his pants. Snape glared down his long, crooked nose at the boy before snatching the bag and emptying the contents all over the courtyard.  
"Confiscated," he sneered.

-In Snape's office-

"Professor, you wanted to see me?"  
"Yes Mr Malfoy, I would like to know where you get your vast supply of illicit substances,"  
"Me?" he looked incredulous, "Malfoy? Illicit? Two words that don't belong in the same sentence sir," Snape rolled his eyes as the young Malfoy sat suavely in the chair opposite him, all the while maintaining his smarmy smirk.  
"I know you have connections to magical…" Snape looked left and then right to ensure no eavesdroppers before continuing, "hydroponics."  
"Sir!" Malfoy looked innocently at the potions professor (while still maintaining the smarmy smirk…go figure) "I am truly appalled; I would have expected you of _all_ people…" Snape interrupted the boy by tossing a small sack of Galleons onto the desk, "…to be more discreet." Malfoy's innocent expression immediately morphed to one of greed and hunger as he stared at the sack of Galleons (and yes, you guessed it, still with the smarmy smirk). "What do you require?" Malfoy asked as he pulled a notebook and biro (because they suddenly all became muggles) from deep within his robes.  
"The names of your suppliers,"  
"Can't do sorry professor," Snape looked about to protest when Malfoy drew from within his robes a bag of hash. "Two pounds of the finest Mary Jane." Snape snatched the bag and looked it over,  
"The merchandise looks good, where did you get it?" Malfoy withdrew a picture of a few cannabis trees and showed it the professor.  
"I grew them myself." Snape looked at him curiously, "I told Sprout they were a scarce and hence very valuable magical plant that we've had growing on the Malfoy estate for some years. I told her I needed to relocate them because of a nasty hoard of flesh eating slugs." Malfoy looked at the potions professor in disbelief, "you didn't really think I was volunteering all those hours of work in the greenhouses because I had a sudden attraction to green and coming home covered in dirt did you?"

Malfoy took the sack, the picture and his notebook and put them all back in the never-ending abyss that was the pockets of Hogwarts School robes. Leaving the hash with the professor he left the room only to avoid his mother (AKA Polyjuice-d Pansy) who was on her way to Snape's personal chambers.

-Back in the Gryffindor Common Room-

Harry wandered in after a long refreshing sleep, "Has anyone here seen my…" he looked around the room to see various people wearing his neon dance-things and Hermione Granger at the front of the room screaming, 'who wants a piece of Harry Potter' "…Gym bag?" he looked around at the bidders, Romilda Vane stood in the front with a large bag of Galleons.  
"I want a piece of Harry Potter!" she screamed sounding almost breathless. Harry looked disgusted.  
"And the final artefact for sale today on our special Harry Potter commemorative auction is a vial of Polyjuice potion infused with the hair of his latest crush. Do I hear fifty Galleons?" It appears this had been the piece Romilda had been waiting for because no sooner had Hermione started the bidding at fifty Galleons had Romilda Vane shouted  
"Five hundred Galleons!" there were exclamations of shock all around the room and disappointed sighs from some girls (and Blaise) as Romilda ran to the front of the room and, as soon as the gavel fell, snatched the vial from Hermione's grasp and the crowd (still wearing various fluoro articles of clothing) dissipated. Harry sat himself on the lounge in the common room with a defeated expression on his face. Soon he was joined by a downcast Fred.  
"I hate Polyjuice!" Fred said,  
"Me too," Harry agreed, "Everyone knows my secret now,"  
"Could be worse,"  
"How so?"  
"At least you're not doing the can can with Snape,"  
"Who would be that daft?"  
"Ron." Harry raised his eyebrows in surprise and chuckled as he looked around the room.

-In the girls Lavatories-

Romilda looked in her new reflection, "Harry's latest crush?" she said to herself in disbelief, "Well whatever floats your boat Harry dear." She cackled slightly as she left the bathroom.

-In the Entrance Hall-

Harry smiled slightly as Romilda approached him; she had timed this perfectly so that she could get in a good shag before the potion wore off. As she caught up with Harry and walked beside him she clapped him on the arse letting her hand linger for a while, "Hey…too deep!" he looked into Romilda's eyes confused with the sudden forwardness.  
"You don't seem to look too offended…love." She winked at him. Harry looked around desperately.  
"I think we should take a walk in the grounds."  
"How romantic?" Romilda followed Harry out into the grounds.  
"What do you think you're doing? Doing that in public…you almost gave me a freaking tent!" Romilda pushed the hair off his face,  
"You look tense…love. Do you need a back rub?" without waiting for a response she walked around behind him and gently grabbed his shoulders while softly pushing herself flush against him. "Is that better lover boy?" She whispered in his ear letting her breath caress his neck and ears. Harry let out a strangled groan; Romilda looked around his body to see a blatant erection. "Oh dear…do you want me to kiss it better?" Harry hesitated before nodding eagerly. Romilda grinned widely and pushed him up against the wall near the greenhouses (apparently everyone forgot that greenhouses are, in fact, made of glass and glass, generally, tends to be quiet transparent). She shoved him against the wall roughly as she buried her hands in his pants encouraging him. She knelt before him undoing his fly and slipping his manhood into her eager mouth.  
"Oh," Harry moaned as he bucked his hips along to the rhythm of her tongue's caresses,  
"Harry, What the fuck?" Ron appeared near the greenhouse entrance. Apparently he'd had a class and had been quite appalled to take off his earmuffs (after replanting mandrakes) and hear familiar moans. "You're cheating on me…with him?" Ron looked down and only saw a man with red hair, Harry, by now, was very confused but the lust blinded him as he came with stars in his eyes and shaking legs.  
"What?" he muttered, clearly confused. "I thought you were?" Harry looked down and then at the Ron in the greenhouse doorway, "There are two of you?" Harry looked back over his memories of the last few hours, "Damn Polyjuice potion!" he exclaimed, he looked down, "Are you Romilda Vane? Or are you Romilda Vane?" He looked at them each in turn, creasing his brow in frustration. Apparently his brain didn't have the capacity for such complex thoughts. Harry turned to the one thing that always got him out of trouble, "My scar hurts," he muttered, bring a hand to the middle of his head before he collapsed.

-In the Hospital Wing-

"I'm sorry but Mr Potter is dead," Madam Pomfrey looked at the teachers and students milling around the hospital wing, "…tired. He really needs his rest and quiet. I will have to ask you all to leave." Minerva McGonagall was on the ground in a dead feint and many students were muttering about jokes in poor taste. As the corridor cleared of students wearing various pieces of fluoro dance things the professors approached the nurse.  
"What is it Poppy? Is it his scar?"  
"Is it You-Know-Who?"  
"I knew it! We're all gonna die!"  
"I'm too young to die!" immediately all the staff turned to look at the headmaster. "What?" Dumbledore asked.  
"Is it You-Know-Who returned to power Poppy?"  
"I'm afraid it is," there was a round of collective gasps from the professors, "…n't"  
"What?"  
"You-Know-Who has returned to power," the professors looked alarmed, "…not."  
"Would you just answer the bloody question?"  
"Not likely, truth is I'm a bit high."  
"WHAT!" Minerva rounded on the school nurse,  
"Professor Sprout gave me these new medicinal herbs she found in the greenhouse, very rare magical plants, had to keep it on the hush-hush," she looked over at the headmaster and each of the heads of house with a mischievous expression, "oops."

-Epilogue…yes the crappy, horribly written bit at the end of Deathly Hallows…I mean a book (shifty eyes)-

Following the startling revelation (AKA the school nurse on Ganja scandal of 19…something) the whole school was tested and Draco Malfoy was convicted of Drug possession, manufacture and sale. He was then killed by Lord Voldemort for high treason (AKA not letting Mouldy-shorts in on the action).

Harry Potter now runs a dance studio which specialises in half-hour lessons (any longer and he will feint pathetically complaining of his scar and evil arch-nemesis, Voldemort denies all attempts to infiltrate the whelp's brain and maintains that 'Potter is just being a wimpy little girl'), Harry now lives happily with his life partner Ron (we think it's really Ron but with Polyjuice one can never be sure) and owns fifteen poodles.

Ronald Weasley runs a special Can can class at Harry's studio with Severus Snape's assistance.

Snape insists that the only way he can bear to watch Weasley dance is by being high and that hence the marijuana is for medicinal purposes. All drug charges were dropped against Snape when the Wizengamot themselves witnessed Weasley's dancing.

Hermione Granger never really did hook up with Fred but made a lucrative living out of ebay (AKA stealing famous people's shit and selling it online for outrageous prices). Fred remains a loyal business partner (still under the mistaken impression that one day if he can get her really drunk Hermione would have sex with him).

Fred has been emotionally scarred for life, he saw parts of Pansy Parkinson that would make any man rip his eyeballs out…and that was what he did, he now trains seeing-eye-poodles out of Harry and Ron's basement in his down time.

Neville is the founder and president of 'I snogged Ginny Weasley' dot org. This website gains more members annually than any other in the wizarding realm. They are soon to announce that they are relaxing the entry criteria for the organisation to include all those who only reached second base with the ever elusive (snort) Ginevra Weasley.

Blaise Zabini is now a closet cross-dresser but it's okay because so is his wife Milicent Bulstrode (a long suspected dyke of the Slytherin house). They have three, surprisingly beautiful, children.

George Weasley remains rotting in Azkaban for the illegal consumption of a protected magical species. The Wizengamot refused to allow Truth or Dare as a defence (they learned their lesson after Ug the extremely ugly pleaded innocence by way of Truth or Dare persuasion for the Goblin rebellion of 1512).

Colin Creevey is now the Wizarding Worlds leading pornographer, fascinating young boys with sordid scenes in moving pictures of dirty magazines.

Denis fetches his coffee and dry-cleaning (although he still sniffs drug paraphernalia as a hobby).

Romilda Vane made herself a very successful businesswoman by selling vast quantities of Polyjuice Potion infused with essence a la Ronald Weasley to desperate fangirls under the pseudonym Vanessa Rain. She currently resides with Harry in his large manor house with fifteen poodles and keeps the _real_ Ron in a box under their bed.

--------------------------------------------

Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

(♥) Dramione27.


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